Secrets…

It’s been 3 weeks since my last visit with SS!! Crazy how time flies when you’re ill. SS was quite curious about my migraine last week, and asked a few questions about if anything else gets “activated” before or during my migraines. I haven’t ever paid enough attention to the inner parts of me to really know. But I did remember that on Wednesday, when Carrick’s serious car issues arose, I ended up with another headache. And, immediately preceding the week long migraine, there was a last minute “I have to find a place to live” crisis with Tiffaney, and next thing I know, we’re moving her back to Bakersfield.  I thought aloud about that… about my children and their various crises, and how my gut reaction is to brace myself, and think in my head “OK, what do I need to do?!?” SS pointed out that my history shows that I’ve been in that response pattern many times in my life, and from a very young age; and that this typical response of mine is, in a way, wired in. It definitely caused me to ponder. I was glad when she asked if there are times when I am presented with a situation, and my first thoughts are “OK, what do I need to do?” but I realize that I can’t, or don’t desire to, do anything. I was happy to report that there have been a few times 😉 I was able to share though, about my latest boundary staking with TIffaney. And how that ended (as they often do) with Tiff telling me what a terrible mother I am. SS told me that I was being a very good mother, and that holding her to the boundary was the very best thing for her. I have a friend that tells me that a lot… so it made me think of her and smile, ‘cuz she’s right!

We talked a bit about the last session, and I was able to share some of the things that I became aware of after I left. There was another event that I had blocked out of my mind that was revealed. It’s not at all a good memory… I can’t go into details. After I was finished sharing the event with SS, she said something to the effect of: “and how do you feel about that? You just sort of rattled it off, almost in a narrative.” The only word that I could come up with was: “HUMILITATION”. I was disgusted with myself for placing myself in the situation to allow that thing to happen to me. So, I shared that, and shared about the battle that has gone on in my head ever since I remembered. SS had a lot to say about that, and basically told me to tell my inner critic to “Shut up!” I think I will 😉

There was a question in my mind the whole time we had been talking about the part of me that I was “introduced to” three weeks ago… the question of: “Does she have more secrets?” But I kept it to myself. Then, of course, the Holy Spirit was faithful to guide SS, so she began to ask the question, but was concerned about finding the right words, and I quickly informed her that I knew her question, and that I was having the same one. She was relieved… and then asked, “OK, so what if she does have more secrets, and reveals things that are hidden?” My response was quick, and something like: “I suppose we’ll just have to deal with them as/if they come.” Apparently that was a “good answer”, because she smiled and said, “Yes, we will.”

And, I’m not afraid. No, I’m not afraid. Show me Your glory, Lord.